


Graduation (Rewrite)

by HopeDragon9



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Canon Rewrite, F/M, HIV/AIDS, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Rewrite, Strong Language, cursing, episode 10, season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:21:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26215549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeDragon9/pseuds/HopeDragon9
Summary: Actual, full rewrite of Season 4, Episode 10 of 13 Reasons Why. Most things are the same, except I save Justin so this rewrite goes around changing scenes to comply with that. Full episode retelling with original lines.I DON'T OWN THE LINES, ORIGINAL STORY OR CHARACTERS
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall, Clay Jensen/Tony Padilla, Jessica Davis/Justin Foley, Justin Foley/Charlie St. George, Justin Foley/Clay Jensen, Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall, Zach Dempsey/Justin Foley
Comments: 33
Kudos: 47





	1. «It's like the whole world just shifted from under our feet.»

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So I was really mad about Justin's death, so I decided to change it. In this work, Justin doesn't die and this is my spin on how he lives but we can still get all the powerful and emotional scenes from the episode. I did actual research on HIV, AIDS and pneumonia so I think it's pretty accurate. I tried to divide the episode into chapters as I felt adequate.
> 
> Legend:  
> "" lines  
> «» Clay voice off  
> <> Dr Ellman voice off  
> || music

Prom. «That was a week ago. He's been in the hospital ever since.»

Clay was having a therapy session.  
"Your mother called to cancel your Tuesday appointment. She told me some of what Justin's facing." Dr Elman told Clay.  
"Yeah it's not great" Clay replied.  
"How does it make you feel?" Dr Elman asked.  
"What the fuck does it matter what I feel?" Clay didn't understand the question.  
"I think it matters a great deal. You know that."  
"I don't know that, I don't know anything. We talk and talk, and nothing happens. And I still feel like I'm gonna spin off the face of the fucking Earth. And then we keep talking and we don't get anywhere!"  
"You don't think we've made any progress these past few months?" Although Clay was getting turned up, Dr Elman kept calm, like always.  
"No, I just... All this just seems so... I don't know like, like selfish! Talking about feelings... to you... when Justin is-is... is sick." Clay didn't know what was going to happen to Justin. He didn't want to even think about what could happen.  
"'Cause what he's going through is so serious. Then what you're going through seems less important now. Because his life hangs in the balance."  
"Yes!"  
"But in the work we do together, in trying to help you get well, doesn't your own life hang in the balance?"  
It was hard to admit. Still, Clay spoke in a whisper: "Yes."  
"So let's keep working. Do you wanna tell me how it's been at the hospital?"

Matt, Lainee and Clay were sitting with Justin's doctor outside his room in the hospital, to know what was his situation.  
"Justin has given me permission to discuss his treatment and diagnosis with you. I'm afraid I have some difficult news to share. Justin has tested positive for HIV-1. And based on his symptoms, we believe... it has progressed to AIDS." The doctor spoke. None of them wanted to believe it.  
"That's... How is that possible? He had the flue. He's been tired."  
"Well HIV has a long period of latency after infection. Which means that Justin may not have shown any symptoms for some time. With his IV drug use and extended periods of homelessness, this would have made him more susceptible to rapid progression. And according to his records, he was never tested."  
"How-how has he never been tested? We got him the best GP. He had a complete physical." Lainee was confused, to say the least.  
"Testing requires patient consent. It's not uncommon for a young man with a history of IV drug use and sex work to avoid testing." The doctor explained.  
"Sex work?" Clay was surprised. Justin had never talked to him about that. He didn't know. His brother had been through sex work and he didn't know.  
"Justin never spoke to you about the time he spent homeless?" The doctor questioned.  
"Not about that part, no."  
"The bacterial pneumonia has a short period of latency, which means he hasn't been infected for a long time, giving the symptoms are just now fully developed, and he's lucky this isn't such a late diagnosis..." The doctor continued talking. Clay wasn't sure if he was fully hearing until the end. He couldn't believe it. What did this mean? Was Justin just going to die from that? Could they do something?

After hearing the doctor, Clay walked up to Justin's room. Jessica was sitting next to him and she was holding his hands. As Clay opened the door, they turned to look at him.  
"Hey" Clay greeted walking into the room.  
"Hey" Justin replied chuckling a bit.  
"Um... How is it today?" Clay asked getting closer to his brother's bed.  
"Uh, it's like yesterday. Practically the same." Justin chuckled weakly.  
"Uh, so there's like, a lineup of people who'd like to see you but I understand if you don't wanna see them. And I've organized a list and given time limits, and--" Clay started explaining. Justin and Jess chuckled at the amount of detail and planning Clay had put into the whole thing.  
"Of course you have." Justin stated not surprised. Clay just laughed at the statement. "Yeah sure. Bring it on."  
"I'll send in the first appointment." Jess told him getting up and kissing him on his forehead before leaving the room.  
Clay sighed wanting to talk to Justin about what the doctor had said. He wasn't sure how to approach the situation.  
"Listen, the uh... The doctor was talking us through stuff, and uh..."  
"Hey." Alex walked in with Jess right behind him, interrupting. He was carrying a giant panda in his hands "I'm sorry, Charlie made me." He explained.  
Justin laughed at the sight of what the younger boy had insisted on bringing him. "Charlie can come in too."  
Hearing those words, Charlie came into the room. "See, I told you he wouldn't mind both of us at once." He told Alex and Justin smiled seeing the younger boy.  
Alex went to drop the giant panda in the back of the room "I'll put it here."  
"Uh, they wouldn't let us bring in any flowers so..."  
"So giant bears. Basically the same thing." The boys explained which made everyone laugh.  
"His name's Tiger." Charlie said.  
"This is a panda." Alex told Charlie making Justin giggle: "Tiger panda."  
"Yeah."  
"I like it." Justin told them

«It's like the whole world just shifted from under our feet. Like the darkness just closed in.»

Tyler was doing some picture work in the photography room when Winston exited the darkroom.  
"Prom pictures." He stated while reaching Tyler. "Some good ones of you and Estella." Winston handed Tyler the photos. "You should frame one for her."  
"Oh wow. Wow, these are really great." Tyler smiled seeing the pictures. "Hey thank you."  
"I know it was Jessica..." Winston started after a short silence making Tyler look up from his work again. "Who killed Bryce. And I know Clay and Ani and some group of you framed Monty. I almost have what I need to go to the police. But I don't have to include you." Winston told him.  
Tyler inhaled deeply before speaking: "You got it all wrong. You don't really know anything, and Jessica and Clay and Ani, they're my friends. So anything you do to them, you do to me too."  
With that, Winston left the room and Tyler grabbed his phone to text Alex: Need to talk about Gordon Lightfoot. Urgent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! I'll try to update once or twice a week since I already it mostly finished. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Thank you so much for reading!


	2. «There's no more hiding from it, what's out there.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! New chapter! This one is a little shorter so I may edit this when the whole work is posted and join this text in another chapter, making another one longer. But right now, I feel like this is the right way to do this.
> 
> Legend:  
> "" lines  
> «» Clay voice off  
> <> Dr Ellman voice off  
> || music

Back in the hospital's waiting room, Clay and Jessica were sitting talking about what happened to Justin with Charlie a few chairs away from them.  
"I think he was ashamed. That's why he didn't tell you?" Jessica supposed.  
"I-I wouldn't have like, judged."  
"It's not that. It just... It takes time. To deal with what is." Jessica explained.  
Just as she finished, Charlie's phone ringed with a message alert. Once he read it, the younger boy turned to the two others: "Zach's downstairs. He says he can't come in."  
"Fucking Zach." Jess murmured.

Outside the hospital, Zach was sitting by a statue in front of the entrance when Charlie exited the hospital and approached him:  
"Hey. Hey, what the fuck? All right, get upstairs."  
"I can't man, I just... Hospitals" Zach said clearing his throat and sniffing a little.  
"You need to see him." Charlie told the older boy.  
"Man I watched my dad die in this hospital." Zach said trying to explain why he couldn't go in.  
"Yeah? Yeah me and my dad brought my mom home from this hospital so she could die in her own bed." Charlie revealed as if telling Zach that it wasn't an excuse.  
Zach only sniffed in response.  
"And you know what? Right now, your best friend is really sick upstairs, and if you don't go see him, you are gonna regret this for the rest of your fucking life!" Charlie said clearly frustrated.  
"I can't man." Zach replied, "I can't."  
Charlie scoffed in a mixture of judging and disappointment.

«Like prom was actually our last chance at being kids. Then all of a sudden, playtime over.»

At Monet's, Winston was sitting at a table.

«There's no more hiding from it, what's out there.»

Alex appeared and took a seat in front of him.  
"Hi. I was really surprised you texted me."  
"It was me." Alex stated looking around to see if anyone was listening. Winston in turn, furrowed his brows at the statement. "I killed Bryce Walker."  
"You're lying." Winston reacted.  
"No. I found him on the pier. I was alone. I tried to help him up, he threatened to hurt Zach, I shoved him in the river, he drowned." Winston didn't know what to say.  
"Alex-" he started.  
"Yeah so... that information is yours now. Do what you want with it." Alex interrupted the other boy, getting up and leaving. Winston hadn't expected to hear that and now he didn't know what to do.


	3. «And we can't stop it... We´re spinning and spinning and we're about to disappear.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo! Sorry this chapter took so long to post, but it's longer than the last one! Hope it was worth the wait!
> 
> Legend:  
> "" lines  
> «» Clay voice off  
> <> Dr Ellman voice off  
> || music

In the hospital, Justin had been connected to a ventilator and the doctor was talking to the Jensens.  
"The ventilator breathes for him. It keeps his blood oxygenated and helps protect against organ failure." The doctor explained.  
"How long does he have to be on it?" Clay asked.  
"Uh, honey..." Lainee started.  
"He may need some time to be able to breathe without it again" Matt said.  
"So, like, when he gets out of the hospital?" Clay asked confused about what this meant.  
"The disease in his lungs isn't very advanced yet. But we will need to put him under a major treatment here in order to save him."  
For Clay, it didn't make sense. If it wasn't that bad why did Justin need to go into treatment? Unless it was bad. Worse than he believed. He wasn't thinking straight. Hearing what the doctor said it looked a lot like Justin could die. And looking at him it seemed like that's what was happening. He started panicking and ran out of the room.  
"Honey! Clay?" Lainee spoke loudly going after Clay.  
"I feel like I just... I need some air." Clay told his parents, panting as he left the hospital.  
"Clay!" Matt shouted.  
"Does he just need some space?" Lainee asked concerned.  
"Should we give him space? Now? Is that really a good idea?" Matt asked looking at his wife and running out after his son.

"Whoa! Clay, Clay what happened? Is everything okay?" Zach asked Clay, grabbing him as the boy came out of the hospital running.  
"What do you fucking think Zach? He's never getting any better, he's fucking dying!" Clay shouted before running off.  
"Shou-should we go after him?" Charlie asked the older boy seeking for advice on what to do.  
Zach sighed: "Jesus, I-I don't know."  
"Where'd he go?" Matt asked exiting the building.  
"Uh, up the street, that way." Charlie pointed.  
"Where's he going, what's down there?"  
"No clue Mr Jensen."  
With no response he particularly liked, Matt ran off after Clay.

Clay kept running down the street.

«And we can't stop it. We can't stop it. We can't. We´re spinning and spinning and we're about to disappear.»

Spotting the Sheriff's station, Clay stops on his tracks, breathing heavily. He starts looking at what's in front of him. Seeing an officer with a gun, Clay remembers himself, when he grabbed a gun from one after the drill. He's still panicking. Not thinking straight. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and starts walking towards the building. He enters the station and goes into the middle of the room.  
He looks around and says quietly: "I um... I have a gun."  
When he sees nobody heard him he yells: "I said I have a gun!"  
With his words, people start panicking and shrieking, running around the room looking for cover.  
Clay kept yelling: "And I'll fucking use this thing if I have to so everybody back the fuck up! I have a gun! I have a gun!  
"Clay, Clay, Clay" Deputy Standall opens the doors from the room he was in, into the lobby and tries to shush Clay. Sherriff Diaz and other officers step outside with him.  
"Clay, hey. Hey, what's going on here?" Sherriff Diaz asks, taking a look at the scene.  
"I-I... I have a gun."  
"Alright, well, let's just take a breath here." Clay's anger was showing all over his face, his expression hard. "Slowly take your hands outta your pockets so no one gets hurt."  
"People are already hurt! Nobody ever pays for the things that happen! No one ever pays! And someone should!" Clay let out.  
"You must hurt so much. Put the gun down, and we'll talk about it okay?" The Sherriff spoke calmly, trying to calm the boy down.  
Just then Officer Ted walked into the station dressed as a civilian.  
"Clay? Clay?"  
Right after, Tony walks in and seeing the scene shouts: "Clay!"  
"Get down! Hey, get down!" Someone says. Officer Ted pulls Tony to the ground and the officers in the station take out their guns and point them at Clay.  
"Clay, what the fuck?" Tony shouts.  
"Put your guns down! Guys, put your guns down! Guns down everybody!" The Sherriff commands the officers.  
"Tony?" Clay whispers seeing his friend. And most importantly the way he looked. Tony was filled with bruises.  
"Put your guns down." Following the Sherriff's orders, all officers start lowering their guns.  
"Hey Clay. Clay, listen to me buddy." Clay looks back at the Sherriff as he speaks. "I know that you're going through a lot right now. And I know that you've been through a lot. More than any kid should ever have to deal with. But listen to me. Everyone in this room? Every one of those deputies? Everyone wants the same thing, and that's for you to be safe. To stay alive. Okay?" He inhales and points at Tony. "Tony... He's your best friend right?" Clay looks in Tony's direction. "Tony wants you to be safe. And that's all that matters right now. I can't promise that it gets better right away." Sherriff Diaz starts getting closer to Clay. "But the only chance we have, the only way things can start to feel better... is if you give me that gun. Okay? I promise you, no one will hurt you. Just give me the gun. You can talk to me."  
Slowly, Clay takes his hands out of his pockets while breathing shakily. Sherriff Diaz checks Clay's pockets as the boy sobs quietly.  
"It's okay. All right."  
Clay gets closer and starts sobbing loudly into the Sherrif's shoulder. "All right." He pulls the boy closer as Clay starts letting out wailing sobs.

«No, that wasn't it»

At therapy, Clay was trying to explain how he had felt.  
"I just... I wanted someone to..."  
"To notice you." Dr Ellman completed. Clay nodded. "To see you were hurting."  
"Yeah." He responded, surprised at Dr Ellman's statement. At him understanding and at realising what had been.

"All right, all right buddy." Sherriff Diaz kept patting Clay. "All right, I'm here. You're safe."  
«We talked for a while...»  
"It's all right."  
«... me and the Sheriff.»

"He didn't bust me for pulling that stunt. And it was like, almost like he understood." Clay said.  
"Understood what?" Dr Ellman asked.  
"That I was freaking out. And why. And I realized that all that attention he'd been giving me this spring? Like, showing up at school and meeting with my parents, he was worried about me."  
"And that surprises you."  
"I mean, he arrested me, once." Clay spoke reminding his therapist of that situation.  
"But in both cases, then and now, wasn't he just doing his job?"  
"Yeah. And... And I think maybe he's pretty good at his job. In a... sneaky, manipulative way. Like you."  
"I'll take the compliment."

«After that he um... he put me and Tony in a room while he talked to my dad. Tony had been in a street fight.»  
"I'm not sure if they put me in here to look after you or the other way around." Tony told Clay.  
"We haven't been doing that so great for each other lately." Clay pointed out to which Tony nodded.

"Not better."

In the hospital, Matt, Lainee and Clay were in Justin's room. They were sitting around his bed while he slept connected to the ventilator.

«There's this thing. I mean, I've been calling it hospital time. You lose track of days. It's all one long day. Time moves so slowly and then a week has gone by.»


	4. «And none of us knows how to make sense of the jumble of things that happened.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii!! I've started school again and I'm still adjusting causing this chapter to have taken so long. I'll try to update once a week from now on! Hope you like this chapter. It doesn't have practically any changes but you'll see more changes soon!
> 
> Legend:  
> "" lines  
> «» Clay voice off  
> <> Dr Ellman voice off  
> || music

Somewhere, late in the night, Zach was sitting on the top of a car with a bottle of drink in his hand. Suddenly a car was heading towards him, the lights blinding him until he adjusted to the brightness.

«And I think it's got everyone messed up. The waiting. The not knowing. Or the knowing.»

As he sees the pair inside the car, he comes down from the bonnet of the car. Charlie and Alex step out of Charlie's car and approach Zach.   
"Something tells me you boys aren't here to party." Reaching him, Charlie takes Zach's bottle out of his hand. "Oh... okay." Charlie then proceeds to throw the drink to the floor, emptying the bottle. "Who-whoa! Hey, that's a single barrel small-batch Corlett. What the fuck?"  
"Fuckin' bourbon guys. You can't even tell the difference!"  
"There are two more in the car, black." Alex says handing out a coffee to Zach. "You're gonna get those in you, and you're gonna go see Justin."  
"Alright look, Mother's Teresa. Learn to know a lost cause when you see one, like me. Like Justin." Zach tells them, looking them in the eyes.  
Charlie and Alex exchange looks and the later sighs at the reaction to their arrival. "Okay, Zach. Do you remember on the rooftop? The night I kissed you?"  
"Wait, you kissed him?" Charlie asks confused looking between Zach and his boyfriend.  
"It was a shit show. I'll explain later. But you remember that night?"  
"Yeah." Zach replies.  
"Okay. That kiss was embarrassing, it was a disaster. But right before that, when I almost fell, you pulled me back from the ledge. And I'll never forget the feeling of your hands grabbing me and keeping me safe. I needed it. I didn't know it. And now you need it."  
Zach sighed having some sense arrive in his head. "The kiss wasn't a disaster, it was a nice kiss, per se."  
"Wait it was?" Charlie asked getting more and more confused and a tad bit worried.  
"Yeah. Yeah." Zach responded jokingly.  
"I don't love Justin, but I love you, and you love him. So what the fuck Zach?" Alex said finishing his speech towards his best friend.

|If I showed up|  
|In the shape of a storm|

At the hospital, Clay, Jessica, Tony and Tyler were sitting in the waiting room practically asleep. Jessica was next to Tony, both of them leaning their heads on their hands with Tyler a few seats away wrapped in a jacket, the three with their backs to the elevators. Clay was in front of Tyler, thus being the first to notice Zach, Alex and Charlie arriving in the elevator. Clay gets up from his seat followed by Tony as the three boys enter the waiting room.

|Would you recognize me?|

Everyone looks at the new arrivals and as Clay reaches them, Zach pulls Clay into a hug.

|If I knew how I would make myself know...|

Clay is confused by the sudden affection and looks at Alex and Charlie for some explanation, although the boys give him none. Zach then releases from the embrace and Clay starts leading him to Justin's room. On the way, Zach pats Tyler's hair and Charlie and Alex take a seat next to each other between Tyler and Jessica.

«I guess it's like high school, in it's way. It seems like I was a freshman a decade ago, but then it seems like yesterday.»

Tony entered Caleb's house.

«I don't know where all that time went. I don't know what we do now.»

He entered to see Caleb talking with someone on the laptop.  
"Here he is now." Caleb said to the person on the other side.  
"Who are you talking to?" Tony asked confused.  
"It's uh... It's your dad." Caleb answered Tony's question and stepped back so Tony could see the person on the screen.  
"Antonio!" Arturo chuckled seeing his son. "How's your friend?"  
"He's not good papá."  
"You good to be there for him. You're a good friend. That's always important m'hijo."  
"I guess... I guess so, yeah."  
"But you have to think about yourself sometimes. Caleb told me about the college offer."  
"He did?" Tony asked looking up at Caleb and back down at his dad.  
"Damn proud of you. It's time m'hijo. It's time you sell the shop and get on with your life."  
"We can't afford that papá."  
"We have work here. We're gonna be fine." Arturo told his son.  
"The shop is your dream."  
"Listen to me. That shop... was never my dream. You... You are my dream. Why do we do everything? So you can have a better life than we did. This is your better life m'hijo. Don't fuck up my dream."

Jessica was sitting in the hospital's waiting room, holding a coffee in her hands.

«Ancient history is somehow present tense. Everything is ending, but nothing is over. And none of us knows how to make sense of the jumble of things that happened.»

"I win. Come on, why the silent treatment? I'm just here to pay my respects to Justy." Bryce was sitting a few seats away. Ghost Bryce. A vision of him.  
"You're killing him." Jess spoke, emotion in her voice.  
"Yeah, I am. I don't rape Hannah, none of us are here, right? He doesn't run away. Doesn't start shooting up. Letting men fuck him."  
"How can one person cause so much pain?"  
"Look in the mirror. You let me die."  
"You deserved to die." Jessica let out facing him.  
"Yeah maybe. But here we are. You probably have it too."  
"Fuck you." She spits out, disgusted.  
"Yeah. I win."  
"Jess." Clay called her and suddenly Bryce wasn't there anymore. She looked at Clay. "Um... he's up. If you wanna say hey. He can't say anything back, but he writes, so... If, if you want to."  
"Yeah." Jessica quickly gets up and follows Clay into Justin's room.


	5. «You start to wonder if anything meant anything. If all we're doing is reacting, and the reactions don't even make any difference.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo!! So this chapter is actually pretty long, covering several scenes. I'd forgotten how chapters were organized so I don't think we get anything different in this chapter too. But of course, reaching forwards in the episode, we're gonna get some real big (obviously I mean, I unkill Justin) changes!

Clay went back to school. Going through the halls, he simply walked.

«You start to wonder if anything meant anything. If all we're doing is reacting, and the reactions don't even make any difference.»

During class, he wasn't focusing. Just drifting off, his head somewhere else entirely.

«I got into Brown. That crazy interview? Didn't even matter. So if nothing fucking matters, like, why bother?»

He was called into Dean Foundry's office. The two were seated on either side of the Dean's desk.  
"How's Justin doing?" Foundry asked.  
"He's not any better."  
"I'm so sorry. I've lost, in my life, a number of friends... and one very good friend to that disease. I'm very sorry."  
"Thank you."  
"I'm sure you're not thinking about graduation right now, but... it's my duty to tell you that you have been voted class speaker." Dean Foundry said handing Clay some papers.  
Clay looked at the papers confused. "What? Me uh... How?"  
"Apparently, your classmates think you have something relevant to say to them. I imagine it might have something to do with your sermon on the car at the disturbance a few weeks ago."  
"That's uh..." Clay was trying to find a way to explain. "That wasn't really me."  
"Then reach out to whoever it was 'cause he's needed on stage June 22nd. And I need to review his speech in advance, just to ensure it doesn't start any riots, that sorta thing. Congratulations Clay." Foundry said reaching out to shake Clay's hand. Clay took it and left the office.

Clay was having a session with Dr Ellman.  
"It doesn't make any sense. I have nothing to say." He told.  
"Well your classmates disagree. And as someone who's been talking to you for many weeks now, I think you have a great deal to say."  
"Who's the signature?" Clay asked staring at the signed guitar hanging on the wall.  
"Ah, you probably haven't heard of him. Lindsey Buckingham." Dr Ellman replied.  
"Fleetwood Mac. Although I prefer his solo stuff." Clay said.  
"I do too."  
"You think I'm stalling."  
"Are you stalling?" Dr Ellman asked in return.  
"What kind of bullshit speech can I give? I-I can't... I can't get up there and say, like, «Hope for the future! And the best days are ahead» I mean, Jesus! Justin is lying there in that hospital. He might never come out, he might die, and I'm supposed to give some speech about the future? There is no future!" Clay spoke loudly pacing around the room.  
"It's hard to think about your own future when Justin's future is so uncertain."  
"Oh my God, if you continue on with that fucking calm tone, I'm gonna lose it. I'm gonna... I'm gonna fucking lose it!" Clay was practically shouting now, mad at how calm his therapist seemed to be when there was nothing to be calm about.  
"Okay."  
"Now you're just messing with me."  
"No Clay, I'm not. Honest, I'm just saying that... it's okay... in here... with me... if you lose it a little bit." Dr Ellman told him.  
Breathing shakily, Clay sat down on the desk chair and let out a sigh. "Look to give a speech, about anything, you have to make some kind of sense. And nothing makes sense."

Matt was reading beside Justin's bed in the hospital.

«And all the pieces are just... scattered all over the floor.»

Clay walked into the room holding two cups of coffee. "I ran to Monet's. I just... Hospital coffee. I couldn't anymore." He stated handing his dad one of the coffees and sitting down on the other side of the bed.  
"Good call." Matt told him, sitting back down.  
"I keep thinking this'll get easier, and it just gets harder. Every day of this." Clay said.  
"Well, you don't want it to start to feel normal, do you?"  
"No."  
"I remember my grandfather dying when I was 14. My first experience of it. And you... You've looked at death too many times for a young person. Your generation, it's... it's not right." Matt let out.  
"I'm sorry if I scared you the other night. I won't scare you ever again." Clay apologized.  
"Clay..." Matt chuckled looking at his son. "Since the day your mom gave birth, and the doctor put you in my arms, I've been terrified." Clay chuckled too hearing his dad's words. "But we'll get through it."  
"I keep telling myself that."  
"You know, high school, it's different today. But in many ways, not. High school's always been something to be survived. But it can be. I'm living proof." He stated.  
"Yeah." Clay said smiling.  
"And there's joy too, right? I hope you've know joy."  
"Yeah I have, dad."

«It's not just me»

«It's everyone I know.»

At the end of the school day, Zach knocked on Coach Kerba's office door.  
"Hey! Welcome back."  
"I'm here to do my service hours. They say you asked for me?"  
"I did. I did. Uh... You can help me clean out the equipment room and, uh, uptade the playbooks. And I wanna offer you a job. I heard you're sticking around town next year, and I want you to coach tight ends." Coach Kerba informed his student.  
"Me? A coach?" Zach asked, stepping inside the office, not understanding how that could be.  
"Yeah, for sure. You know the game. You know how to set an example." Coach kept doing his stuff while talking to Zach.  
"I... I don't know about that."  
"Eh, I do. Summer coaches' meetings start day after graduation. I' ma need you sober, okay?"  
"Yeah, I mean... for sure."  
"And I'll need you to graduate. Can you do that?" Kerba asked, now facing the boy.  
"Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. Figured out that it takes effort not to graduate."  
"Yeah. All right, uh, let's get to work."  
"Thak you... for the letter." Zach said as Kerba left the office. "I found it in my file in Foundry's office. I just, um..." Zach proceeded to take the letter out from his pocket and started reading it: "«Let me tell you about the Zach Dempsey I know. One of the finest young men I've had the opportunity to coach. Zach led our team... with fortitude and empathy on and off the field.»"  
"Yeah. You know Foundry asked me why you'd steal that. Told him I didn't know why."  
"Because I-I can't live up to this. Everything that you've said."  
"Of course you can. You already have." Saying those words, Coach Kerba left the office and shortly after Zach followed him.


	6. «After all that... after... everything, we were still to see how it ends.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!! The new chapter is here! This one covers some major changes and has some really emotional scenes. Basically, it's the scenes in the hospital where people are saying goodbye to Justin and when, in the show, he dies. Obviously, I save him, so the character's speeches are slightly different. 
> 
> Legend:  
> "" lines  
> «» Clay voice off  
> <> Dr Ellman voice off  
> || music

In the hospital, Jess was sitting beside Justin's bed in his room while the Jensens were outside with the doctor.

«I don't know anyone who can turn what's happened into a neat little story.»

"The infection is starting to advance. We should proceed to start the treatments before it gets worse. I think it might be a good time to take Justin off the ventilator, at least for a few hours, so he can speak to you, and you to him." The doctor explained the situation looking between Clay, Lainee and Matt.  
Clay was dead worried. He wanted the treatment to work. He wanted it to work so bad. He wanted Justin to make it through. He wanted Justin to be okay. His parents were equally worried. And they were equally hoping this would work.  
"As I understand it, Mr.Jensen, uh, Justin has made you the medical POA."  
"Yes." Matt replied.  
"The treatment will begin as soon as everyone you allow talks to him. It will take a few days before we know if it's having an effect..."

In the waiting room, a few people were already there. Matt was reading while Lainee worked on her laptop. Alex and Charlie were a seat away with Coach Kerba next to the later. Tyler and Tony were in front of them with Zach a couple of rows behind.

|I have nothing left to hear|  
|I'm chasing all the words|  
|But everything you say I only see|

Soon they couldn't keep still. Tony started pacing around and Coach Kerba the same thing.

|But honestly it's fine|

They went back to sit down. Matt and Lainee were comforting each other, their faces red and wet. Charlie had his hand supporting his chin while trying to hold his tears. Tony was leaning forward with his head in his hands.

|When I mention how I love you...|

"Hi." Jess said opening the door and entering Justin's room.  
"Hey."  
Jessica closed the door behind her and started tearing up when she turned back to Justin.  
"Jess. Don't cry." He hated seeing her cry. He did. He knew how she must have been feeling. He couldn't imagine how he'd be if it was the other way around.  
"I'm so sorry. I'm so... I thought I could be strong, I..."  
Justin patted the side of the bed next to him and motioned for Jess to come closer. "Come here. Come here."  
Jess lied down next to him and started sobbing quietly, cupping his face in her hands.  
"You're... so strong." Justin told her.  
"You're the best thing that ever happened to me."  
"You're... out of your mind. I ruined your fucking life." Justin said.  
"No. No. You taught me what love is." Jessica said in response.  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah."  
"Yeah?"  
"Yes." Jess replied and they both started laughing. Soon though, that bright laughter turned into sobbing.  
"Okay. No matter what happens now... you always have that. Okay? Justin told her between shaky breaths.  
"Okay."  
"Okay Jess?" He asked again  
"Okay." Jess replied sobbing. "You'll get better. You're gonna be okay."

|At the end of the line|  
|It's as if there's no time at all|

The waiting room had more people now. Tony had moved to sit at a table in front of Zach followed by Coach Kerba who took a seat in the chair next to Tony. Charlie was now leaning against Alex. Luke Holliday had arrived and sat down a seat away from Zach greeting the fellow jock. Some other jocks had arrived too and were seated around the others.

|Nothing left to win|

Lainee and Matt got up to go greet them and thank them for being there.

|Every pleasure burned to the wick|

Tyler had moved to sit next to Alex who was leaning on Charlie, both boys half asleep. Jessica had returned to the waiting room and the chairs were starting to fill up with students.

|Content to be alone|  
|A quiet picture drawn|

Clay was sitting next to Justin's bed.

|Each day before it ends...|

Clay didn't know what to say.  
"Um... Zach's going to coach at Liberty next year. Kerba asked him." He thought he'd give Justin the news. It might cheer him up a bit. He was so nervous about the treatments. And he knew as much as Justin tried to hide it through the optimism, he was just as nervous.  
"That's awesome." Justin smiled.  
"I'm-I'm so sorry Justin, I don't know how to do this."  
"Hey. You're doing... You're doing it great."  
After some silence Clay though he'd just say what he really wanted Justin to hear. What he wanted Justin to know in case... in case the treatments didn't work: "Thank you for saving my life. Like, more times than you know. I love you."  
"I love... I love... love you... you too man." Justin managed to let it out through shaky breaths. He loved Clay so much.  
Clay sniffled hearing those words. Fearing he'll never get to hear them again. "I'm sorry. Um... I-I... I'm trying to believe you'll get better but... Are you afraid?"  
"Yeah. I am." He couldn't lie to Clay. He couldn't hide he was afraid nothing would work and he was afraid he was going to die. He sniffled before asking through several breathes: "Will you hold... will you hold my hand... bro?"  
They both chuckled.  
"Yeah." Clay replied before grabbing his brother's hands in his own.

|River, river, carry me on| (Washing of the Water by Peter Gabriel)  
|Living river, carry me on|  
|River, river, carry me on|

|To the place where I come from|  
|So deep|  
|So wide|  
|Will you take me on your back|  
|For a ride?|  
|If I should fall|  
|Would you swallow me deep inside?|

The waiting room was now filled with students from the school. Coach was comforting Tony who couldn't stop his tears. A lot of others had their heads down. Some were practically still. Charlie was on the verge of tears like several others. Everyone was dealing with the situation in their own way. The waiting to know when Justin was starting the treatments. And after that waiting, the one to know if they worked.

|River, show me how to float|  
|I fell like I'm sinking down|  
|Thought that I could get along|

The Jensens were now in Justin's room, sitting around his bed. Justin was already asleep but still holding Clay's hand. They were waiting for the doctors to come to take him to the Intensive Care Unit.

|But here in this water|  
|My feet won't touch the ground|  
|I need something|  
|To turn myself around|

They all turned upon hearing the door to Justin's room open.

|Away toward the sea|  
|River deep|

The doctors and nurses started entering and Clay, Matt and Lainee started getting up to give room.

|Can you lift up and carry me?|  
|Oh roll on through the heartland|  
|Till the sun has left the sky|

As Justin started being carried out, Clay followed still holding Justin's hand while Matt hugged Lainee as she follows holding the bed.

|River, oh river|  
|River running deep|  
|Bring me something|

Just before letting go, Clay kissed Justin's hand.

|That will let me get to sleep|  
|In the washing of the water|  
|Will you take it all away?|

They saw Justin being taken into the ICU while Matt held Lainee's hand and squeezed Clay's shoulder, the boy holding his mother's other hand.

|Bring me something|  
|To take this pain away|

«After all that... after... everything, we were still to see how it ends.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! In case it's unclear, I'd been anticipating in the previous chapters that Justin would go into a treatment for pneumonia and AIDS, to help him get better since I did some research before writing and it's practically fact check with reality that there are treatments for pneumonia and to help with HIV and AIDS. And they're saying goodbye because they don't know whether or not the treatments will work (but obviously they do, otherwise I wouldn't be saving Justin and that's the whole point of this fic XD).
> 
> Sneak peek for the next chapter: there is obviously no funeral but I'm keeping the speeches. Now you just have to wait and see ;)


	7. «And what if the past follows us everywhere? What if we can never get away from it?»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here it is! Finally, the chapter that changes it all. I honestly think this is the chapter with the most changes and at the same time fewer changes. But now I'm just gonna let you read it. Enjoy!

5 days. 5 days had passed without seeing Justin. Without knowing how he was. Matt and Lainee were called to the hospital. They were receiving news on his condition. Know if he got better... or not. Know if he could leave. The news had quickly spread around. Only Matt and Lainee were allowed inside the hospital so Clay was left sitting outside. Soon after, a few people started arriving.  
When Tony arrived, he took a seat next to Clay. "I wish I knew what to say or do."  
"It's fine. Thank you for wanting to, though. You always make things better."  
"I just show up man. That's all I do."  
"Always. More than I have for you."  
"No. No, we show up for each other."  
For the first time during their conversation, Clay looked at Tony "No one gets through this life alone man."  
"No." Tony replied looking back at his best friend.

More people had arrived outside the hospital already. People were just sitting or standing around. When Ani and Jessica arrived, they saw Winston greeting some jocks.  
"What's he doing here?" Jess asked.  
"I don't know." Ani replied.  
"I don't know if I can do this. What if it's bad news?" Jess let the words she was holding back out through a shaky breath.   
"Okay, it's okay, we'll just take it slow, we don't even actually have to be here."  
"No. No, I don't... I don't know if I can do any of this anymore. If he dies... whatever happens... we're all supposed to just... keep waking up and putting on our clothes and carrying on conversations and listening to people while they talk about how God works in mysterious ways, and I just don't fucking know if I can do it anymore!"  
"Okay, I think this is the hardest thing... that anyone could ever go through. But I also think you are a lot stronger than you realize." Ani told her.  
"He makes me strong."  
"No! You are. All on your own. Maybe you make each other stronger, but it's in you. I've seen it."  
Jess exhaled. "Okay." Ani's words helped. Not a lot but they did. She knew she wouldn't be really fine until she heard about Justin.

After a while, there was a small crowd outside the hospital. Students. Teachers. Parents. Other people. It seemed that everyone wanted to know if Justin would be okay. And if not... well pay respects. There was some talk around but it was quiet. Most people were just sitting or standing next to one another, not saying anything.  
Much to a lot of people's surprise Alex, who was sitting next to his parents, got up and started speaking to everyone there: "Um... I... I want to say... I'm not sure I can do this. Uh... Um... Uh... I believe... I believe Justin helped save my life. I don't like him. And he doesn't like me. But... when I needed him, he helped me. Um... Sorry, I'm..."

«Alex tried to say something...»

"You all right?" Deputy Standall asked his son patting his back.  
"Yeah." Alex replied.  
"Okay, you don't need to say anything."

«...as much as he could. But there's so much none of us could say.»

There was a silence after. It didn't last long though. From the middle of the jocks, wearing his jersey, like all others, Zach raised his voice and started speaking: "A while ago... I said I was my brother's keeper. That we all are. Even though I didn't live up to that." He made a small pause, looking up at the hospital. "Justin hates running. Coach Kerba would make him do a mile, and he would bitch and complain..." His words made Coach and the team laugh. "... the whole time. Coach Kerba would tell him that pain is the feeling of weakness leaving the body. But we're all weak, I think. But we're trying to be stronger. And the pain that we have been feeling, with the not knowing... is to remind us every day... to do better. To be better."  
Right after, from another spot, away from the other jocks, Charlie got up and spoke: "I just want to say... I was the young guy. The new kid. But, uh, this past year, I feel like I... truly became a friend." Charlie looked at the hospital as if looking for Justin like Zach had done, and to the rest of their group. "Like I... I found a whole new group of friends, and we went through a lot together. And we'll get through this. No matter what."  
Only after Charlie spoke did Clay realise how many people were there. There were a lot of people there. Besides their group, with Jess were her parents and same thing for Alex. Estella had come with Tyler and Scott and Chloe had come too, probably with Zach. Caleb had come with Tony. Coach Kerba was with the football team where people like Luke and Diego were. Sherriff Diaz and his daughter Valerie were there too. Even Winston was there.

A little while after, Matt walked outside the hospital and was quickly spotted by everyone.  
"Dad..." Clay started getting up from where he was sitting and approached his father.  
Matt, who hadn't know everyone was outside, started looking around, seeing everyone. "Is everyone here for..."  
"Yeah. For Justin." Clay told him.  
"Well, uh... Justin..." He tried to hide it but he couldn't any longer. His whole face lit up and he finished: "Justin has responded well to the treatments and all the medicines. Although he'll need a lot of rest he will soon be home." Hearing those words, a wave of relief passed through the small crowd. Smiles were suddenly plastered across people's faces and everyone cheered. "Thank you... everyone for being here. I'm sure Justin will appreciate it when we tell him." Mr Jensen thanked everyone and turned to Clay: "If you'd like, they'll let you see Justin."  
Clay smiled at that. "I'll be there."  
Matt walked back in the building and slowly, people started spreading out, leaving with the good news.

When almost everyone had left, Clay was left facing the building. It was okay to go in. Justin was okay, he knew that. Still, he felt stuck.  
"A few of us are going to Monet's." Zach told Jess after a hug.  
"I'm gonna head home, I think. I'm with my folks."  
As Zach left, Jess started looking around. She spotted Clay and started walking towards him.  
"If you don't mind... I'll go in with you." Jessica extended her hand and Clay took it getting up. The two then started making their way towards the building.

At Monet's, Ani, Zach, Charlie and Alex were sitting around a table. There were three empty mugs on the table. Zach was still holding his, sitting on the couch. Next to him was Charlie, hugging a pillow. Alex was sitting in the chair next to his boyfriend and Ani was sitting on the opposite one. They were all relieved by the news of course, but they kept quiet simply enjoying being with each other.  
After a while, Alex moved in his chair and started talking, his speech directed to Ani: "Um... Can I... I just wanted to say..." They all looked at him. "I think you saved my life too. More than anyone. So thank you. And I was mean to you when you got back. And I didn't even think about everything you were going through. But anyway, I'm... I'm sorry. And thank you."  
Ani smiled at the boy's words. "Alex..."  
Looking at Charlie Alex completed: "I'm just... I'm just really happy to be alive right now."  
Charlie smiled at the statement and reached out to squeeze his boyfriend's knee while Alex wrapped his hands around the younger boy's.  
"Yeah. Me too." Ani said.  
Just then, the door opened and Winston walked in making his way towards the small group. With his arrival, they all turned in their seats.  
"Can we... Can we talk?" Winston's question was directed to Alex.  
Charlie looked at Alex and they briefly exchanged looks but Alex got up being followed by Charlie's eyes, the boy keeping his hand on his boyfriend's knee. "Yeah."  
They all followed the pair with their eyes, while the two exited the shop, proceeding to exchange worried looks.

«And what if the past follows us everywhere? What if we can never get away from it?»

Once outside, Winston stepped away from Alex. "Can I ask you, why'd you do it?"  
"Yeah. Okay. Zach had hurt him pretty bad, he'd broken his leg, his arm. He begged me to help him up, so I did. And then he started on about how he was gonna ruin Zach's life, which he already had done. And he was just spewing all this shit. And I saw this... anger. I didn't see any soul or anything. I just didn't. And then I realized that he had ruined everyone I ever loved. And I got this... this flash of rage. Ever since my TBI, I get these flares, like, I go red. And then I pushed him off the dock." As much as it costed him, he was honest.  
Winston stepped closer, inhaling sharply. "Are you sorry you did it?"  
"More than I could ever say."  
"Was Jessica with you?" Winston should've know he wasn't getting an answer. He chuckled lightly and sighed before asking: "Did you ever really like me?"  
"Yeah. Yes. You opened up a new world for me. You helped me figure out stuff about myself. I loved being with you."  
"Yeah, me too." Inhaling shakily, he took out a tape from his pocket and handed it to Alex. "I'm not gonna do anything." Alex took the tape in his hands. Inside, Charlie, Zach and Ani were silently watching the scene. "I thought I was... because... because I loved Monty. I knew him somehow. I swear I did. But I loved you too. And I am trying not to... but I still fucking do." He had tears in his eyes now.  
"Okay. Thank you." Alex said relieved.  
"Can I hug you?" Winston asked.  
Alex nodded and the two hugged. Winston gripped tightly before letting go and walking away. Alex let out a relieved breath and looked through the window at his friends, before returning inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'll admit it took me a little bit to come up with the idea for this part because I really wanted to keep the speeches. I included Charlie's that is showed in the opening of episode 4 since I love Charlie and for me, it made sense since it's a part of the scene and it could add a bit more of emotion. I hope you liked how I changed this and I'm hoping you enjoy how I include Justin in the next chapters too. <3


	8. «What if what's ahead of us is even more terrifying than what we've been through?»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii! I hope you're doing well! Thank you so much for all the love on the last chapter and this whole fic in general! We're reaching the finish line now! Justin doesn't actually show up in this chapter but there are some changes especially in a certain Jess and Diego scene and Justin IS in the graduation ceremony and following events.

Tony walked inside the gym with some papers in his hand. He approached Caleb at the desk. "All right. It's done. The sales papers are dawn up. All it needs is a buyer's signature."  
"Tony, that's great." Caleb said with a smile. "Right?"  
"I don't know! I-I-I don't know if it's great! I don't know what to think! Fuck!" Tony replied, getting angry, as he started making his way towards the apartment.  
Caleb followed after him. "Second thoughts are natural, but this is a solid plan, Tony. This is- this is safe."  
"No plan in this fucking world is safe, Caleb. Safe is not a word I believe in anymore."  
"Okay, okay. But the garage is protected. This gives you a chance to... to have a life." Caleb spoke, trying to keep up with his boyfriend as they walked into the apartment.  
"What if I like this life? What if I like this, right now?" Tony asked pointing around.  
"The garage is protected. I mean, the buyer doesn't know shit about fixing cars, but Javi's ready to manage the place. He does already."  
"What if one of the businesses takes a dive? What if it's too much for one person to handle?" Tony kept posing doughts as he got closer to Caleb.  
"Tony, I've lived with you for more than a year. Nothing's too much for me to handle. Here." Caleb grabbed the papers from Tony's hand. "Javi and I..." As Tony groaned, Caleb signed the papers. "...will take good care."  
"What if I'm not good enough to stay on the team, Caleb? What if I flunk out? I'm no good at school!"  
"I think you're good at anything you wanna be good at."  
"Oh my God. This is so easy for you. Why is this so fucking easy for you?" Tony shouted getting further away.  
"It's not easy! This is fucking killing me. But this gives you a chance to live a whole life."  
Tony exhaled. "What if I can't do it? I don't know, what if I'm lonely?"  
"Well, I'm eight hours away by car. Seven the way that you drive." Caleb replied, getting a laugh out from his boyfriend.  
"Here." Caleb reached forward his hand and Tony took it.  
"Oh, fuck. I'm scared." He said.  
"I know. And that's okay."  
"Okay."  
"Yeah. Come here. It's okay." The pair kissed, Tony cupping Caleb's face. "It's okay Tony."  
"No."  
"It's okay to be scared, I'm scared too." They were hugging now. Finding comfort in each other's embrace.

«What if what's ahead of us is even more terrifying than what we've been through?»

"Okay."

At the Sherriff's Station, Deputy Standall was working on some papers when Sheriff Diaz approached. "You good?" The Sherriff asked sitting on the desk.  
"Yeah. I'm good. I'm just finishing up these patrol reports." Bill replied not taking his eyes off the computer.  
"I was thinkin'... I always say that this job is everything to me. I don't come from much. I know you don't either."  
"No, sir. My two boys are the first in my family to go to college." Standall replied.  
"Same with my kids. And I say this job is everything, but it's not true. I live my life for family, for God, for country. In that order. And a father's love is a, uh... fierce and complicated thing. As I'm sure my daughter Valerie would tell you. But family... Family comes first. Wouldn't you agree?" Diaz asked.  
"I do."  
"Hmm. The Bryce Walker files, um... they're going down to permanent storage. That case is closed for good."  
"Understood."  
"Don't work too late Bill." Sherriff Diaz said starting to leave.  
"Hey, Sheriff. Thank you." Bill said before the other left the room. Right after he let out a relieved sigh.

Jessica was sitting in a waiting room at the hospital with some papers in her hand.

«How do we get on with our lives?»

Diego stepped out of the exam room and spotted Jessica. "Hey. You waited for me."  
"Of course I waited for you."  
He took a seat in the other chair. "Um... Negative." He told her.  
"Good. Yeah me too."  
"Um, thanks for telling me, and coming with me."  
"Of course. I wasn't worried. He'd never do it without protection. He's pretty hardcore on that." Jess responded.  
"They uh... They tell you about PrEP? That seems like a good thing."  
"Yeah. Though I don't plan on having sex again, ever, so..."  
"Look, I'm sorry... about Justin's situation, I... I know how much you love him." Diego said.  
"How would you know that?" Jess asked.  
"I... I saw you dance together." Jess' smile faded. "And... a guy can tell... when a girl's heart is spoken for. I'm sorry... for... everything I put you through. I'm done with it, I just... I couldn't let it go. I... I miss Monty so much. But it... It can't be anything like what you would miss Justin if he..." The jock trailed off knowing Jess knew what he meant.  
"I don't know. Missing is missing." Jess understood. She couldn't imagine what it would be like without Justin. If Monty was important to Diego...  
The boy chuckled lightly. "I... I know we don't have a great history, but... if you ever need someone to miss people with, I would like to maybe try it out sometime. But in a new way. Maybe we could... We could try it out as friends?" It wasn't exactly what he wanted. But he knew it was his best shot.  
"Maybe." Jessica smiled at him. Well, he wasn't that bad. So yeah, maybe they could be friends.

«How do we even imagine starting something new?»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Next week there will be a brand new one! Also, tell me if you think there are any moments you'd like to see further changed than I did !!


	9. «You'd think I know these answers. You'd think I'd be good at goodbyes by now.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone ! So sorry I didn't manage to post on Saturday, but to make up for it, here is the chapter I was supposed to post! I'll still be posting this saturday because I can't wait for you to get to the finale and those very emotinal scenes with Clay and Justin.

Clay was arriving at the house. He took his bag out of the car and started walking towards the entrance. Justin was probably asleep so he was heading to the main house as not to bother his brother. He'd basically only sleep at the outhouse but he'd do anything to make sure Justin recovered.

«You'd think I know these answers. You'd think I'd be good at goodbyes by now.»

As he reaches the door, he notices a package on the front doormat. Clay picked it up and took it inside. When he unwrapped it, he saw the box that contained Hannah's tapes. He took off the lid and saw the tapes were all inside.

«Mrs Baker sent them.»

He found a letter in the box and read it.

_Dear Clay,_   
_These were returned to me by my attorney but I have decided to give them back to you and Tony._   
_You were there for Hannah in life and in death, when I couldn't be, and there was something of her you have that I never will. These tapes were never made for me. Their fate belongs with you._   
_Take care,_   
_Olivia Baker_

«The court had returned them to her after, like, months, and she thought Tony and I should have them. That they were never hers. That they were something of Hannah that we got, and she never would.»

He was talking it over with Dr Ellman.  
"What do you think that was?" Dr Ellman asked.  
"I don't know."  
"Think harder."  
"I don't know."  
"I think you do. And I think you're being lazy."  
"What the hell? Screw you!" Clay replied.  
"There we go." Dr Ellman smiled. "I was worried we'd have Mumbles McGee for the whole session."  
Clay stuttered in his response "What the fuck is this? Though love? Some shit like that?"  
Dr Ellman leaned towards Clay "Why did Hannah's mother send you the tapes? Why do you and Tony feel so responsible for Tyler? Why did your graffiti say, «Monty was framed»?"  
"Why do you care?"  
"Because I care about you."  
"You care about a paycheck."  
"You think I only care because I'm paid to?"  
"Would you wanna see me if my parents stopped paying the bill?"  
"If you needed me."  
"Yeah, bullshit!" Clay said loudly before getting up.  
Clay started pacing around the room.  
"What are you really asking, Clay?" Dr Ellman asked looking at Clay from his chair.  
"I'm not asking anything, I'm just... I'm-I'm fucking fed up!"  
"Well good. Why?" This time, the doctor got up and raised his voice.  
"Because!" Clay screamed still pacing the room. "Because none of this fucking matters! Okay? If Justin doesn't make it after this, if the medication doesn't work, if he gets worse, if he dies... then none of the rest of it matters!" As he screamed, Clay threw some of the things on Dr Ellman's desk to the floor. "It's... How could he let it happen? How could he let himself get sick like that? We-we... It would've been so easy to start helping him sooner!"  
As he spoke, he cried. Clay didn't have hope. He still thought that at any moment he would arrive home and Justin would be dead.  
"Maybe deep down, he doesn't think he's worth saving or worth loving."  
"But Jessica loves him. And my-my-my parents do. And I do!"  
"But what if there's some part of him from a long time ago that can't let himself be loved? That can't let himself be cared for?"  
"That makes no sense!" Clay shouted at his therapit's face.  
"Really Clay? You can't imagine a kid who keeps secrets from the people who love him most? A kid who won't let himself be cared for?"  
Realisation spread inside Clay. "Fuck you." He sighed looking around.  
As Dr Ellman picked up the stuff Clay had throw at the ground, Clay came to a stop in front of one of Dr Ellman's pictures. Noticing this, the doctor spoke.  
"My Guild Starfire, I love that guitar." Clay shortly looked back at him. "I grew up here, you know. In Evergreen. It was the late '60s and early '70s, it was a turbulent, difficult time. Country was desperately divided. Drugs were everywhere. I was a troubled kid."  
"Yeah, I'm sure you were a hellion."  
"I stole a car." Clay started turning around. "So I could steal a guitar amp. I sniffed glue. Dropped acid." Clay was fully facing him now. "Smoked dope. Occasionally I sold it."  
"Shit."  
"I was going down a dark road, and then a teacher in my high school saw something in me. Saw... me. She believed I had something to offer. She was an English teacher. She thought I could write. And I said something to her very much like what you said to me. Nothing makes sense. None of the pieces fit together. And she said to me... «Try.» She said... «Begin.» So I began. And years later I found myself, back here, in my home town, to help kids like me. Like you. I can't promise the story has a happy ending, Clay. What happens to us, it may only have the sense that we make of it. But I do know that's in telling the story... that we learn who we are. And maybe see who we might become."  
Clay sniffled and started breathing shakily. He sat back down on the couch. Dr Ellman sat back down in his chair. And Clay started talking:  
"It starts with Hannah Baker."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this one! Also, you might have noticed I changed the chapters number... that's because I forgot to count the last chapter...  
> This one only has changes in the dialogue but chapter 10 is graduation so get ready for some alive Justin moments coming up soon!


	10. Even on the worst day... life is a pretty spectacular thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii! Once again didn't manage to post on schedule so here I am to provide you what was supposed to be last weekend's chapter. I'll try to post tomorrow too as scheduled and after that only one chapter left!

It was graduation day. All the seniors and their families and friends and the school faculty were gathered on the football field. Principal Bolan was on stage, speaking.  
"Graduation is that special time, not only to celebrate but to acknowledge the hard work and the countless sacrifices it took to transform dreams into reality. And let's not forget the fortitude to carry on in the face of adversity. This graduating class has shown a special kind of fortitude. I admire you all. You've been tested well beyond the classroom, and you have endured. Now, you may not believe me, your..." He chuckled "...class president and class speaker, in particular, may not believe me." On the stage, Clay and Jessica traded glances. "But all we have ever wished for, myself, the educators here today, all of your parents, all we have truly wished for is to see that you are all happy and healthy and safe. This class, in particular, has made that hellishly hard." There was laughter in the crowd. "But I have faith in you. All of you. And I hope that we have taught you well. I know you have taught me. I'm grateful. And I'm proud of you all."  
People clapped and cheered at the words. After Bolan, Jessica took the stand.  
"Look, here's the thing. There should be more of us here. And lately, I have been thinking about why they're not here. I have a history of causing trouble with my speeches." She glanced back at Bolan and the Dean. "Principal Bolan actually had to approve my speech just so I wouldn't make trouble. But that was a month ago. And my life has changed since then. But don't worry, I'm not causing any trouble today. Because I just want you to hear me. Some of you circulated a petition this year, demanding I be removed from office. Saying that I was a one-issue president, and I had made my point, and I should just shut up. Well, no girls signed that petition," People laughed. "so, news boys, our point is far from made. And we're not shutting up."  
"Yeah!" The crowd whistled, cheered and clapped.  
"But you are right about one thing: I am a one-issue president. I'm a one-issue person. I spent the last couple of years angry. Hurt. Scared. But I'm not gonna do that anymore. I'm gonna focus on my one issue. Which is love." There was some laughter and jeering heard. "Oh, what? Does talking about love make you embarrassed? Is it girly? What? Because it's _the_ thing. It's the only thing. It's easy to hate. It's easy to fear. It's goddamn hard to love. But it's not optional. It's essential. It's life or death. I challenge you. Love each other. Do it. Do it better. Now and every day. I love you all." After a short break, Jess finished her speech: "Oh, and fuck the patriarchy."  
Everybody cheered, there was whistling, whooping and raucous applause heard all around.  
After Jessica, it was Clay's turn to speak.  
"It comes down to one question. Will you survive high school? Will I survive? Because I know too many people who didn't." Clay took a break before starting to speak again. "In the past two years, two people who I loved have died. And two..." He rubbed his eyes and sniffled. "...two other people... who I thought I hated, also died. But I learned that hate is too simple. Jessica's right, hate is easy. Love and understanding are harder. But they are how we take care of each other, how we survive." Clay inhaled, looking around. "My dad loves to tell me stories about when he was in high school. The stories usually involve chess club and obscure bands with funny haircuts, because the '80s were a strange, strange time." Everyone laughed and Clay smiled. "But he always gets one thing right. He knows high school can hurt. That it can be painful. That there are days when that's all it is. And he once told me that he's living proof... you can survive. You can get through it. He's living proof, and so am I. And so are all of you. And the thing is, for me, for us, this class, this-this generation, high school actually is life or death. We show up every day not knowing if this is the day we die. If this is the day someone shows up with a gun and tries to kill us all. We practice what we'll do if that happens. Life or death. I suffer from anxiety... and, uh, depression. But mostly anxiety. I sometimes think all of us kids do, in some way. And how can we not, with the world the way it is? We hear a lot of promises that things will get better. And-and, look, maybe they will, maybe they won't. And what I think, what I think I've learned, what I wanna say to you... is whatever happens, keep moving. Get through it. Choose to live. 'Cause even on the worst day, there... are people who love you. There's new music waiting for you to hear it, some... something you haven't seen before that will blow your mind in the best way. Even on the worst day... life is a pretty spectacular thing. Thank you. Good luck."  
At the end of the speech, everyone was cheering and whooping. People screamed: "Yeah!, while others were whistling and clapping.

|Got a little soul|  
|The world is a cold, cold place to be|  
|Want a little warmth|  
Everyone took out their hats.  
|But who's gonna save a little warmth for me?|  
And all the graduates threw them in the air.  
|We know the fire awaits unbelievers all of the sinners the same...|

After the ceremony, people gathered in the gym for the party.  
"Hey!" Jess greeted Ani as she walked inside.  
"Hey!"  
"Where's your mom?" She asked.  
"Oh, she had to work. Couldn't leave." Ani replied.  
"Then you have to help me endure my relatives." Jess started pulling Ani along with her towards her family. "My uncle flew in from Milwaukee."  
Over at one of the service tables, one of the "punks" Eric was astonished: "Dude. No way. You do not like The Descendants."  
"Saw their Sacramento show last year!" Luke Holliday replied enthusiastically.  
At the next table, another "punk" Chad commented: "You know, I love that the new quarterback is a homo."  
"Uh, he identifies as bisexual, actually, and I don't think we're supposed to use that word." Diego told him as they both walked away from the table.  
At one of the tables, Courtney talked with her dads. "Yeah, we designed the whole thing!"  
"We like to keep a hand in, even though you're off at Wellesley."  
"My God! This is where I get it from!" She said, walking away.  
"You know, she wrote her new essay about causing riots, stripping naked, um, getting suspended--" Ani explained to Jessica's family.  
"Then I got into Berkeley."  
"Oi! Graciella! Mi vida!" Tony opened his arms as he saw his sister.  
She ran towards him and he picked her up. "Tonio!"  
"Yes! Oh, it's so good to see you!"  
"I missed you."  
"I missed you! Oh my God, you're so big." Tony noticed as he put her down.  
"Look at your hair!"  
"Yeah, I know." They both laughed and shared a hug.  
Moments after, Ani and Jessica talked with Estella about HO. "Mrs Walker had some money she wanted to give away, so she's endowing HO. So, although we will soon be forgotten around here..." Ani informed and picked up the speaker from under the table.  
"The cause lives on. The torch is passed. Use it well." Jessica handed the speaker to Estella.  
"You guys want me to take over HO? Tyler will be so proud! Can I tell him?"  
"'Course!"  
"Sure." The older girls replied as Estella walked towards her boyfriend who was talking with Alex.  
"I was thinking maybe we could carpool up in the Bay Area to visit our boos. You're coming up for every football game, right?" Tyler asked.  
"Uh... am I supposed to?"  
"Yeah, you are, you're the boyfriend." Estella told him.  
"Every game?" Alex looked back at the table where his boyfriend, Charlie, along with his brother, Diego and Luke discussed football.  
"Those little short routes are a waste of time! Let him air it out!" Luke said patting Peter on the back.  
"Luke, I love you man, you got a great arm, but you haven't been known for your brain, ok?" He replied.  
"Offense is boring." Diego said to the group as he patted Charlie's back and started walking towards Winston.  
"Winston, man! Congrats dude!" The two boys greeted.  
"Thanks."  
"You finally did it. Hey, we're gonna be hanging out later this week, right?"  
"For sure." Winston replied smiling slightly.  
"Cool. Looking forward to it." Diego told him as he walked away.  
Ryan approached Winston's table. "Look, they hate you until they love you. That's all I gotta say. I'm Ryan." He extended his hand.  
"Winston." The two shaked hands.  
"Oh, I know. So..."  
"Always workin' the room." Courtney commented pushing Ryan's head.  
"She's an old friend." Ryan told Winston.  
"Ryan Shaver." Courtney explained approaching her parents.  
Over at another table, Zach was explaining his situation: "I, uh... It was a late application..."  
"Right." Dean Foundry said.  
"But I got in off an audition."  
"Wai-wai-wait, so you're gonna study music?" Scott asked.  
"Yeah!" Zach replied with a big smile on his face.  
"That's awesome Zachy!" Chloe congratulated him.  
"It's great!"  
"And your mom is totally cool with it?" She asked.  
"Well, she thinks it's for violin, and it's actually for guitar and voice, but one step at a time."   
"I'm gonna forget I know that last bit." Foundry told Zach as he walked towards another table.  
"Probably for the best, yeah."  
"Hey Clay, Justin. Congratulations." The Dean spoke approaching the table the Jensen's were gathered around.  
"Oh, thanks, Dean Foundry." Clay said while Foundry shook hands with the two boys.  
"Really, Clay your speech was wonderful. Honestly, it was inspiring even for an old guy like me."  
"Thank you." Clay said.  
"Yeah. No, it was really moving. Uh, uh, it's a good reminder..."  
As he looked around the gym, Clay smiled.

Slowly, people were starting to leave.  
"I gotta do something with my friends for a little bit, but, I'll definitely be back in time for dinner." Tony spoke to his sister. "And very soon, I'm gonna be so close to Arizona, like, four hours."  
"Maybe three." Caleb chipped in.  
"We're so proud of you kid. You know that, right?" Deputy Standall asked his son, grabbing his shoulder.  
"Said it about a million times." Alex replied.  
"And we'll say it a million more." Caroline told him.  
"Hey, one more." Peter grabbed his phone and knelt down to take another picture. "Really embarrass him this time, mom."  
"Come on, bring it in."  
"Yeah!"  
"I gotta see my friends, I'll be home later." Alex told his family as he let himself free from his parents' embrace.  
"Can we make pozole and sopapillas?" Graciella asked her brother.  
"Por supuesto. Of course we can."  
A teacher was speaking with Ani: "Teaching you has been an absolute pleasure, Amorowat."  
"Oh, thank you, Mr Wood. That's very kind." Ani smiled.  
"It's not often in a teacher's career--" As Mr Wood was about to continue with his speech Alex stepped in.  
"Sorry sir, we need Ani, we've got a robotics emergency." He grabbed her arm and saved her from the scene.  
"Excuse me, Mr Wood. Thank you."  
"Me and Justin have to go do, um, a totally legal thing with our friends, so..." Clay told Matt and Lainee.  
"Of course." They replied.  
"Um... Thanks guys." Clay said before stepping away.  
"Great day, kiddo." Matt exclaimed.  
Clay stopped in his tracks. He turned back to his parents. "I, uh... Uh, thank you guys... for everything... ever. I-I love you." He started walking away again as Matt and Lainee did the same in the opposite direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you thought of the little changes in this! Now that the ending is getting closer and closer, I seriously cannot wait for you to read the rest, especially the moments between Clay and (not so dead) Justin in the last two chapters. Thank you so much for reading !! <3


	11. «For the first time I can remember, the town seemed small. Tiny. Like I had seen every corner of it I needed to see, as of today.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this is almost over! As promised, here's this week's chapter. Next week will be the last time I'm posting a chapter for this fic. I'm gonna get emotional wrapping this up! Thank you to everyone who's been reading, you are the best!! Much love <3

Shortly after, the whole group was sitting on the stands.  
Charlie and Alex were embraced. Jessica was sitting behind them.  
Tyler spoke: "I just wanna take pictures that matter to somebody."  
Ani had Tony leaning on her legs. "I'd like to make enough money so that my mum doesn't have to work."  
"Yeah." Tony said.  
"I fully plan on being famous. Like, not social famous, I mean, so even The New York Times know who I am." Ryan announced.  
Courtney was lying behind Ryan.  
Zach was leaned against the stands with his legs crossed. "I just wanna remember this day. Just like this. Right now."  
"Yeah." Courtney spoke.  
From a bit aside, Clay looked at the group. He then turned to Justin sitting beside him:  
"I just wanna be clear. I don't actually see ghosts. I just, like... imagine people and... what I would say to them."  
"Yeah, I get it." Justin replied. "You wrote my paper on magical realism."  
"I didn't write your... I just helped you write it."  
"Yeah, I know. I just like to get you goin'." Justin smiled looking around.  
"But... what I don't get is why, when I thought you weren't going to make it... when I imagined you as a ghost, ghost you was hanging out with Bryce? This was in my head."  
"We loved each other, me and him." Justin answered. "We were brothers. You know, you can love people who did... bad shit. You can forgive people. Even the people who hurt you worst."  
"You're talking about Hannah." Clay said.  
"When you forgive someone, it's more for you than them." Justin told him.  
"How much I hurt... with Hannah. Always. It's my fault. I fall in love with girls too fast, too hard." Clay stood up. He saw Hannah on the other side. They started walking towards each other. But Clay's thoughts were interrupted.  
"Clay? Are you Clay Jensen?" The girl giggled. "Oh, my gosh. Sorry, I'm-I'm a little nervous. You're just like, a rock star after that speech. Uh, but I go to East County, and I'm going to Brown next year, and I heard you are too, so I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get, like, a coffee? Or some other beverage to, like, go over the course catalogue and first-year handbook? Or is that too dorky?" As Clay was going to talk... "Oh... I'm Heidi." She smiled.  
"That's... That would be very cool." Clay replied.  
"Oh!" Heidi chuckled. "Phew!" They both laughed. "I was worried that would sound completely nerdy."  
"Jensen!" Zach called. Clay turned around.  
"Are we gonna do this?" Jess asked as everyone was getting up.  
"Yeah. Uh, yes. Um..." Clay turned back to Heidi. "I have to go do a... a thing."  
"Mm-hmm."  
"Um... but you... you can email me."  
"Okay." She took out her phone.  
"Yeah, it's, uh... It's percyakr2161@gmail.com." He informed as he stepped away.  
"Nice." She smiled. "Alien Killer Robots."  
"Yes!" Clay exclaimed happily.  
"Yeah." They both giggled.  
"Jensen!" Zach called again.  
The group started heading out.

They were burying them. They were burying the tapes.  
|Well, a person can work up|  
|A mean, mean thirst|  
|After a hard day of nothin' much at all|  
They all gathered around the whole were they'd put the box.  
"This is where I first listened to my tape." Clay told the group. "And this is where we lay them to rest."  
"Rest in peace." Tony said stepping closer.  
"Come on people. Let's pile on the closure dirt." Zach stepped forward and started covering the box. The others joined him.  
Jessica stepped aside and saw Bryce in the distance. She went to meet him.  
"I'm on those tapes. It's my day too." He said.  
"No. Your day's gone. Long gone."  
"You need me in this world. Otherwise, what would girls like you start riots about?" Bryce asked.  
"Oh, there's plenty."  
"Still, I kinda feel like I won."  
"You didn't." Jessica told him. "I was looking around today at graduation, and I was thinking about how there were people missing. But then I thought, I love these people. Clay Jensen, Zach and Courtney, Ryan freakin' Shaver, for fuck's sake." She chuckled. "In what kind of world do I love all these kinds of people? The world you made. We had to love each other at the end of it all. You did that."  
"So that's something, right?"  
"Sure."  
Bryce started walking away. Jessica turned back to the group. Clay was looking back at her, understanding,  
|Stand beside it|  
|We can't hide the way it makes us glow|  
As the others finished patting the dirt that covered the tapes, Clay leaned on the railing.  
|It's no good unless it grows|  
|Feeling this burning love of mine...|

«For the first time I can remember, the town seemed small. Tiny. Like I had seen every corner of it I needed to see, as of today.»

The rest of the group joined Clay where he stood.  
"All the shit that never would've happened." Zach said looking around.  
"But we would've never been friends." Jessica remembered.  
"We'll always have that." Tony finished.  
"If anyone ever needs any help, anytime, anyplace, just send a group text, say, «Gordon Lightfoot»." Tyler told them.  
"Right on." Alex smiled.  
"Wait, what? Gordon Lightfoot?" Ryan asked confused.  
"It's the strangest fucking code word."  
|I'd take care of you|  
|If you'd ask me to|


	12. "We'll survive."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii !! Welcome to the last chapter of Graduation (Rewrite). I have to say, I'm quite emotional posting this. It's been a nice journey that today comes to an end today. I'll talk a bit later at the end of chapter notes. For now, I'll let you read the end.

Clay was sitting on his bed in the outhouse. Justin walked in and sat on his own.  
"It was a nice speech." Justin told Clay after a bit of silence.  
"Thanks."  
"I mean, it was super dark and... a little meandering, but very... you." Clay chuckled. "Is that my stuff?" Justin asked pointing to the boxes on top of Clay's bed.  
"Uh, yeah. They had me clean out your locker today. Both of them." Clay answered pulling stuff from the boxes.  
"Oof! Sorry about that." Justin smiled.  
"And... I found this." Clay pulled out a paper. "Your college essay. The one that got you in. I didn't read it. It's personal."  
"Dude, I mean, we have literally breathed each other's farts. You've walked in on me jerking off more time than you even know, and you draw the line on that? Come on. Read it."  
Clay cleared his throat before starting: "«I didn't really grow up with much positivity in my life. And if I had influences around me, they were definitely bad. My mother was a drug addict. Her revolving door of boyfriends, mostly drug addicts too. I had a best friend I used to look up to, but then he hurt people close to me and now he's dead.» Jesus, Justin, talk about dark."  
"Just... keep going."  
Clay inhaled slowly. "«There was a time in my life I truly had nothing but the clothes on my back and the regret for the people I'd hurt. And then a person came into my life. A person named Clay Jensen.»" Clay looked up at Justin, confused. "You wrote about me?"  
"They, uh... They said to write about a positive influence in your life."  
Clay started again. "«Even when I was puking all over his room, he was there. He's always been there, which is why even though I've never had a proper family, I know what it feels like to have one. Because Clay gave that to me. Because he's my... he's my...»"  
"You're my brother. You're my positive influence. You're the reason I'm alive and was able to write that college essay in the first place." Justin told his brother, finishing the speech.  
Clay got up. He sat beside Justin. The two looked at each other in the eyes. "I need you to stay alive. Take your pills, anything. I'll be there if you need me. Because I can't do this without you."  
"Okay." Justin said. "We'll survive."

Clay walked out of Dr Ellman's office with the later behind.  
"You will, you know." Clay looked back. "Survive."  
"Yeah. I know it now." He replied.  
"You're out of town next week?" Dr Ellman asked.  
"Yeah, I'm driving with Tony to see his school. He's starting summer quarter because he's still got some stuff to... make up. Um... But you said we could maybe still FaceTime?"  
"Sure. Let me know what works."  
"I'm back in two weeks for the summer, but then, um..."  
"We can meet online as you settle into school. And then... I'm sure there are resources on campus." Dr Ellman told Clay.  
"Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm sure." Clay chuckled lightly. "All right. See ya."  
"See ya."  
Clay smiled and walked out.

At the outhouse, Clay was finishing packing his stuff while Justin sat in his bed waiting.  
|Now that San Francisco's gone|  
Clay closed his bag and the two brothers started walking out.  
|I guess I'll just pack it in|  
Before leaving Clay looked back at the outhouse once more.  
|Wanna wash away my sins|  
|In the presence of my friends|  
He closed the door and started walking towards the front of the house.  
|Though we knew this day would come|  
|Still it took us by surprise|  
|In this town where I was born|  
He put his bag in the trunk of the Mustang and closed it.  
|I now see through a dead man's eyes|  
Clay and Tony hugged, kissed and shook hands saying goodbye to Justin, Matt, Lainee and Caleb.  
|One day they will see it's long gone|  
|One day they will see it's long gone|  
The two entered the car and started driving away.  
|One day they will see it's long gone|  
Clay looked back and waved.  
|One day they will see it's long gone|  
Clay leaned back on his seat.  
Tony opened his window and then Clay did the same.  
Tony smiled. Clay looked at him and smiled too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you to everyone who has read this fic all the way through. I really hope you enjoyed this little thing. It was really exciting writing and posting this and seeing your comments and reactions as the episode moved along. I have to say I'm lowkey proud of how this turned out. I take this as what happened and now that you have the whole thing, feel free to ignore *those* events in the last episode and replace them with these ones instead. Tell me what you thought of the finale and those subtle changes in Clay and Justin's final moment together at the outhouse, with Justin's essay. Thank you so, so much to everyone who left kudos and everyone who left a comment !! I hope to write and post some more fics soon. Until then, a final thank you for all your love and support on this little project. Much love <3

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! I'll try to update once or twice a week since I already it mostly finished. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
